Transcript From An Open Mic

(John steps onto the stage, the spotlight illuminating him as he takes the mic. He looks out at the audience, a small smile playing on his lips.)

John: "So, you know you've made it when you're the subject of a true crime podcast. Yeah, that's right. I've hit the big time, folks. I'm officially interesting."

(Laughter from the audience.)

John: "Now, this isn't your typical 'white girl gets murdered' podcast. No, this is about a mercenary group operating in the U.S. And the leader of this group, Richard, he's a real piece of work. I mean, the guy has more issues than a comic book store."

(The audience chuckles.)

John: "And these podcasters, Alex and Jamie, they're convinced that an argument I had with Richard when we were teenagers set him on his path. I mean, I've had more impactful arguments with my toaster."

(More laughter.)

John: "But they're obsessed with finding me, the other guy in the argument. They've got their whole listener community playing detective. They call themselves the 'Flat Berthas.' I don't know why. I didn't ask. Some things, you just don't want to know."

(The audience laughs.)

John: "Now, I've been in some strange situations. I mean, I'm in the storage business. You wouldn't believe the things people store. I once found a collection of porcelain dolls that was worth more than my house. And another time, I opened a unit to find it full of rubber ducks. Just...thousands of rubber ducks."

(He pauses for effect, the audience chuckling.)

John: "But being hunted by a group of podcast fans? That's a new one. They finally find me, and they invite me onto their podcast. And I'm thinking, why not? I've made a fool of myself in front of crowds before, might as well add the internet to the list."

(The audience laughs.)

John: "I get on the podcast, and I tell them, I barely remember this argument. I mean, I've had more memorable arguments with my Roomba. But they're shocked. They can't believe that this pivotal event in their narrative is just a blip in my past."

(He shrugs, looking out at the audience.)

John: "And then I ask them, why are they so obsessed with this event, with me? Why have they turned my life into a spectacle for their listeners? And you know what? They didn't have an answer."

(He smiles, the audience clapping.)

John: "So, here's the thing. We all have our stories, our pasts. And sometimes, they're not as exciting or as pivotal as others might want them to be. And that's okay. Because at the end of the day, the only person who has to live with your past is you."

John: "Alright, where were we? Ah, yes, the podcast. So, I've just dropped this bombshell on Alex and Jamie, and they're speechless. And let me tell you, getting a word in edgewise with those two is like trying to beat a squirrel to an acorn."

(Laughter from the audience.)

John: "Now, I've got to tell you about Richard. This guy, he's like a character from a bad action movie. He's got this mercenary group, right? And they're operating right here in the U.S. I mean, who does that? Who wakes up one day and thinks, 'You know what I need? A private army.'"

(The audience chuckles.)

John: "And the Flat Berthas, they're eating this up. They're digging into Richard's past, into my past, into the past of anyone who's ever so much as looked at Richard sideways. It's like they've got a time machine and a magnifying glass, and they're not afraid to use them."

(More laughter.)

John: "Now, I've seen some strange things in my time. I mean, I'm in the storage business. I once had a guy rent a unit just to store a single spoon. Said it was haunted. Wanted it off his property, but didn't want to get rid of it. Go figure."

(He pauses for effect, the audience chuckling.)

John: "But this podcast thing, it's a whole new level of strange. And it's not just the Flat Berthas. It's everyone. I've got people coming up to me in the street, asking me about Richard, about the argument. I've got people recognizing me in the grocery store. I mean, I just want to buy my cereal in peace, you know?"

(The audience laughs.)

John: "But the weirdest part? The weirdest part is that I'm starting to enjoy it. I mean, who doesn't want to be famous, right? Even if it's for something you don't remember doing."

(He shrugs, looking out at the audience.)

John: "So, here's the thing. We all have our stories, our pasts. And sometimes, they're not as exciting or as pivotal as others might want them to be. And that's okay. Because at the end of the day, the only person who has to live with your past is you."

(He drops the mic, the audience erupting into laughter and applause as he exits the stage.)

(John steps back onto the stage, the spotlight following him. He picks up the mic, grinning at the audience.)

John: "So, where were we? Ah, yes, the podcast. Now, you'd think after my appearance, things would die down, right? Wrong. If anything, it just stoked the fire."

(Laughter from the audience.)

John: "The Flat Berthas, they're not convinced. They think I'm hiding something, that I'm part of some grand conspiracy. I mean, I can barely organize my sock drawer, let alone a conspiracy."

(The audience chuckles.)

John: "And Richard, he's loving this. He's basking in the attention like a cat in a sunbeam. He's even started his own podcast, can you believe it? 'Richard's Rants,' he calls it. It's just him, ranting about the government, the mercenary business, and his favorite brand of protein powder."

(More laughter.)

John: "Now, I've been in some strange situations. I mean, I'm in the storage business. I once had a woman store her entire collection of taxidermy animals in one of my units. Said she was going through a 'phase.' I didn't ask."

(He pauses for effect, the audience chuckling.)

John: "But this podcast thing, it's a whole new level of strange. And the weirdest part? I'm starting to get used to it. I mean, who needs a normal life, right? Who needs peace and quiet when you can have conspiracy theories and internet fame?"

(The audience laughs.)

John: "So, here's the thing. We all have our stories, our pasts. And sometimes, they're not as exciting or as pivotal as others might want them to be. And that's okay. Because at the end of the day, the only person who has to live with your past is you."

(He drops the mic, the audience erupting into laughter and applause as he exits the stage.)

(John steps back onto the stage, the spotlight following him. He picks up the mic, grinning at the audience.)

John: "Alright, folks, we're in the home stretch now. So, where were we? Ah, yes, the podcast. Now, you'd think after all this, things would start to wind down, right? Wrong again."

(Laughter from the audience.)

John: "The Flat Berthas, they're still at it. They're digging into my past now, uncovering every embarrassing moment, every failed business venture. I mean, who knew that my failed attempt to market edible socks would come back to haunt me?"

(The audience chuckles.)

John: "And Richard, he's still ranting away on his podcast. He's even started selling merchandise. 'Richard's Rants' t-shirts, mugs, even protein powder. I mean, who wouldn't want to start their day with a scoop of 'Conspiracy Blend'?"

(More laughter.)

John: "Now, I've been in some strange situations. I mean, I'm in the storage business. I once had a guy store a life-sized replica of the Statue of Liberty in one of my units. Said it was a 'conversation piece.' I didn't ask."

(He pauses for effect, the audience chuckling.)

John: "But this podcast thing, it's a whole new level of strange. And the weirdest part? I wouldn't change a thing. I mean, who needs a normal life, right? Who needs peace and quiet when you can have conspiracy theories, internet fame, and astory to tell at open mic nights?"

(The audience laughs.)

John: "So, here's the thing. We all have our stories, our pasts. And sometimes, they're not as exciting or as pivotal as others might want them to be. And that's okay. Because at the end of the day, the only person who has to live with your past is you."

(He drops the mic, the audience erupting into laughter and applause as he exits the stage.)

John: "And if anyone else tries to make your past their entertainment, well, you can always turn it into a comedy routine."

(He drops the mic, the audience erupting into laughter and applause as he exits the stage.)